Feed Me, Seymour: Ten Terrifying Broadway Villains!

Written by Rob Ward

October 26, 2016

10. The Phantom of the Opera

As Seen In: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera.
Known For: His opera writing skills.
Appearance: Fine-fitted tuxedos with matching half-mask.
Weapon of Choice: Chandeliers.
Arch Enemy: Raoul, trying to take his boo, Christine.
Weaknesses: The Red Death, and romance.
If You Meet Him: Sing for him … Or else.

9. Sweeney Todd

As Seen In: Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
Known For: Giving his enemies a KILLER shave.
Appearance: A wide variety of barber aprons, usually sporting a blood stain or two.
Weapon of Choice: His friends, a.k.a. a fine quality set of shaving razors.
Arch Enemy: Judge Turpin.
Weaknesses: An obsession with revenge.
If You Meet Him: Do NOT try the meat pie.

8. Tyrone the Puppet

As Seen In: Hand to God.
Known For: Using unpuppet-like language, creating sin in the hearts of puppet-loving church folk.
Appearance: Soft and friendly, even though he’s possessed by the spirit of Satan.
Weapon of Choice: His puppet teeth.
Arch Enemy: Jason, his puppeteer.
Weaknesses: Hammers, anything requiring him to use hands, since they’re just felt.
If You Meet Him: Don’t stick around for the puppet show.

7. Miss Trunchbull

As Seen In: Matilda.
Known For: Using capital punishment to keep kids like Matilda in order at Crunchem Hall Elementary.
Appearance: Big and burly.
Arch Enemies: Revolting children.
Weapon of Choice: Her burly arms, hammers, chocolate cake.
Weaknesses: Matilda’s magic.
If You Meet Her: You better behave.

6. Audrey II

As Seen In: Little Shop of Horrors.
Known For: An appetite that goes well beyond plant food.
Appearance: A strange and unusual plant.
Arch Enemy: Seymour.
Weaknesses: Hunger.
If You Meet Him: Watch out — he’s a mean green mama.

5. Javert

As Seen In: Les Miserable.
Known For: Dedicating his life to hunting down Jean Valjean.
Appearance: Stiff and brooding.
Arch Enemies: Jean Valjean.
Weapon of Choice: His rapier and his stone cold heart.
Weaknesses: His hopeless devotion to uphold the law.
If You Meet Him: Don’t even so much as look at a loaf of bread.

4. Patrick Bateman

As Seen In: American Psycho.
Known For: Slicing, dicing, and chopping up his companions.
Appearance: Tanned and decked out in the most trendy high-end 80’s fashions (tighty whities included).
Arch Enemies: His own imagination.
Weapons of Choice: Axe and Chainsaw.
Weaknesses: His love of 80’s rocker Huey Lewis.
If You Meet Him: Don’t go back to his apartment.

3. Jason “JD” Jean

As Seen In: Heathers, The Musical.
Known For: Killing off the popular hierachy at Westerburg High School.
Appearance: Long black jackets and brooding teen angst face.
Arch Enemies: The Heathers.
Weapons of Choice: Drain cleaner, guns, and explosives.
Weaknesses: His love of Veronica Sawyer.
If You Meet Him: Buy him a Slurpee.

2. Annie Wilkes

As Seen In: Misery.
Known For: Her short and violent temper despite being “Your biggest fan.”
Appearance: Cutesie homely sweaters and skirts.
Arch Enemies: Writers who try to kill off her favorite characters.
Weapons of Choice: A sledge hammer.
Weaknesses: Her love for the character Misery.
If You Meet Her:  You’re probably already her prisoner.

1. The Sunday Matinee Patron

As Seen In: Theatres all across the country every Sunday afternoon.
Known For: loudly asking, “What did he say?” after every third line of dialogue on stage.
Appearance: Blue puffy hair, and reflective glasses.
Arch Enemies: The ushers who didn’t put her in the second row center seat she prefers.
Weapons of Choice: Hard candy wrappers.
Weaknesses: None. She can’t be defeated.
If You Meet Her: She will tell you that you seem like a nice young man or young woman, but you need to learn to talk louder on stage.

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Rob Ward is a freelance show writer and director and a resident improv performer and instructor at Orlando’s SAK Comedy Lab.
Thumbnail image from Little Shop of Horrors. Copyright © Warner Bros. 1986.